Cheesy Peeps!*

The MA currently on offer from the Ashworth University of Hard, Soft and Medium Knocks almost won Post of the Week .

I am flabbergasted.

If I'd have known, I'd have made you all vote, you crap pupils you.

* 'Cheesy Peeps' is a good all purpose swear word I learned from my good friend and drinking buddy. A lot of my borrowers are using it now too, because I bump into the books trolley a lot at work and need a word like this.

Misinformation

Tsk Tsk! Pfft!

That Emma J. Lannie is a terrible fibber.

I did not attempt to start fights. I 'offered' a fight. Not one of the Time Travel Opportunists would fight me. The end-of-night-fight is obviously a great Northern tradition that hasn't made it down there.

But I had a Top Banana Time and read stories and people laughed, but not in a bad way. I also got to meet some more good people and slept in a spooky room with a concrete floor, a view of a working funeral parlour and a pack of mad dogs.

And, thanks to a homeward bound detour through the Peak District, Sian and I managed to test out the new windscreen wipers in scary sideways rain.

Result!

I am Really Really Scared

I am off to do my reading tonight and I am scared.

Mainly I am scared because I don't like lots of people in the same room all looking at me all at once.

And also because I will have to drive there and it is going to be on a motorway and that is worrying.

I am hoping to combat the fear by these two methods:

1. New windscreen wipers for the car, so I can still see if it rains.
2. Stripy socks and red shoes.

So if you are there and you want to talk to me but you haven't seen me in real life before, I will be wearing stripy socks and red shoes. This might be a little bit of an ice-breaker.

Hall of Shame

First up is Duncan Cheshire, and then Biff from the Time Travel Opportunists.

Good work, pupils!

Guess where I will be this Saturday?

check me out! I'm the biggest liar in the world!

MA Update

I have already had one very good application.

Duncan Cheshire has promised not only to pay me in bags full of coins at the launch of TIME in Derby this weekend, but has also come up trumps with a new author photo. Check it out on his facebook profile.

This shows commitment to the cause.

Send me more pictures and measurements. I will make a 'Hall of Shame' for all of us, then agents and publishers will love us. We will have ever thickening manuscripts and appropriate inside-flap photographs. We will be cellar hardened and ready to be authors.

Just the ticket.

I've been wanting to say 'just the ticket' all day.

I also had another Ace Library Day with special guest visit from Chris Killen who read from his novel, answered lots of questions and got called a 'bitch'. But I am too tired to blog more about it now.


P.S All the new people who have been coming to this blog because of the MA post should also go to Sh.

MA application criteria

Okay. You will all need to pay your fees upfront, in full, in advance, cash, no large notes. I have had a change of heart, you see. Vast amounts of money exploited from hopeful writers is now an Essential For Life.

I will also need a head and shoulders photo for my records.

Boys: something black and white and arty. Maybe you could sit in front of a typewriter, or stroke your top lip? Glasses are good. I don't want to see you smiling. No teeth, unless you are grimacing in artistic pain.

Girls: tousle haired and doe-eyed please. Maybe you could put kittens or pink dresses or flowers in there too. Full colour, so we can see your dewy skin and sparkling eyes. Smile, but not too many teeth. You need to make Richard Madeley fancy you, without Judy Finnegan noticing.

I also need to know how thick your work in progress is. Please print it out and let me know the measurements. You can mess about with font and spacing as much as you like.

Only 4" and upwards need apply.

Rachael King gets to go for free, because she plugged the course on her blog.

Emma J. Lannie gets to go for free, because she's been attacking paper with a Stanley knife today.

***UPDATE***

David Isaak also gets to go for free, because he plugged. He also suggested a 'distance learning' version of the course. David, if you would like you lock yourself in your own cellar, I am happy to provide the full rejection experience by text message. Call charges apply.